burn, baby, burn
(in case you are feeling like you want less words and more advice, scroll to the bottom for specific ways to work with your emotions)
welcome to fire season.
man, i don't know about you, but these past seven or so days have been so interesting. so intense. a seemingly never ending ride of ebbs and flows. and no, it won't ever really stop because this is life.
it all started when i decided to go off caffeine and sugar, cold turkey style. but if i really examine it, this began forever ago. depriving myself of this substance combo, the only drugs i participate in (+ my brain med), was simply the catalyst for old emotions to surface.
rise, baby, rise.
feelings came in swirls, making me experience things i hadn't felt in a long time. at first, i became really calm. too calm. i'm an upper girl, who always found anything downer style to be a complete waste of time. i often feel the need to pour a more than recommended amount of energizing herbs into my smoothies. i love matcha, cacao and mate, even though my hands shake from all of them. and while i don't really ever go over one cup of coffee, that is enough to cause my nervous system to spiral. the quantity actually doesn't matter. it's my relationship that does.
the fire really showed up after starting a new job. while it sounded promising, it now appears to have been a failed test. in retrospect, the remote aspect was the carrot being dangled in front of my face. i had just walked away from a potential in house position a month ago, where the carrot was tons of travel. and as you most likely know, this girl loves airports and new city sunsets. while it all sounded glossy and great on the outside, something didn't sit well with me after the third hour of interviewing. nothing weird was said or done- it was just a feeling. one that led me to bring out my detective skills, only to discover a bunch of shady stuff about the company's owner.
reminder: don't forget to listen to that intuition of yours.
anyways, when i interviewed for this most recent job, i asked for more money than they offered. they said no, but again, i figured that the remote part made up for less $ than desired. it isn't the only freelance writing gig i have going, so it all adds up. but soon, i found out that the work load was so much more than expected. two assignments that normally take me four hours were taking eight. and i don't get paid hourly. it all is based off of word count. but it isn't just writing.
i became enraged. i felt completely taken advantage of and not appreciated. my boss kept telling me how much he was loving my work, and yet, didn't want to pay me anything extra for specific research he was making me do. hours of it.
everything inside of me screamed, fuck this.
my teacher turned it all back on me. cue next level frustration. in my mind, she was wrong. but after sitting in a channeling circle, where a psychic goes around and gives you very specific messages, i heard very similar instructions.
"you need to drop your anger. it isn't the job that is making you angry. this has been there for a very long time and while it may not be your current go to emotion, it's nothing new. drop the anger and then you can drop the job, but don't drop the job first," he told me. i was hoping for more of a leave the job now response.
"love is what is waiting for you under all of that fire."
and then today, the anger broke into what can only be described as a breakdown (the good kind). i cried with my girlfriends, telling them how afraid i am about what is happening with my father's health and as the tears moved, so did all of the frustration. my heart became less blocked and creative energy that was mia poured out for the rest of the day. both anger and depression keep me from feeling sadness and ultimately, love. anger was not only the safer choice for me, but my father is where a lot of it originates from.
love and hate. love and fear. love and anger.
while the job might have been a test of my self worth (not settling for less money), it allowed my fire to come to the forefront of my life. yes, i was being a bit swindled, but it was deeper than some fleeting form of employment. i wanted to share this story as a way to invite you to look more into your current feelings. in addition to anger, i have been challenged with body image, self worth, romance, career and money over these part two weeks. it can't be only me. in fact, i know that it isn't.
what is coming up for you?
some of my favorite ways of getting closer to the root of emotions are meditation, movement and journaling.
MEDITATION: lie down or sit cross legged, as you close your eyes and focus on the breath. where does your awareness take you? what part of your body is asking for attention? i encourage you to sit with the sensations and ask for more to be revealed.
JOURNALING: this is a similar process to the meditation. write about the surface issue, stream of consciousness style. take a moment and then ask what is underneath? begin to write again. you can do this until you feel worn out or satisfied with the answer.
MOVEMENT: get into the body. dance, shake, flow, box or run. whatever is your preferred mode of motion. allow the energy to move. perhaps you can journal or meditate to delve deeper post workout.
enjoy the fire. allow it to consume the old and rebirth the new. everything can be your alchemist if you let it.
best of luck burning,
photo by jesse herzog