my non committal dream
When I saw the title of Melissa Febos' new book, 'Abandon me', I felt an instant wave of recognition.
Like many other women, I tend to draw in distant men. While we like each other in the beginning, we never seem to get very far. I've been going for guys with kids since I was 20 and often fall for those in other cities or countries, unknowingly enjoying the fact that there is an ocean between us. I love pot heads, but hate pot and struggle to find someone to wants to be all in. And then even when they are, it ends up feeling like they are a million miles away.
But here's the thing- I don't attract emotionally unavailable men. I am attracted to them. Because I am them. Essentially, I am just waiting for a man to not give me what I want, so I can breathe into a space of freedom, once again. Being alone is not scary for me- it's the easiest thing I've ever done. When it comes to being in a relationship, my M.O is essentially sending out silent whispers of, 'please abandon me', because if you don't, I will end up giving you a reason to leave.
Like I've said before, metaphors can often be huge clues into major patterns or issues in our lives. When I looked at the fact that I had shied away from taking a commitment in a certain community for 6-7 years, I realized that it was not just there- it was everywhere. In some weird way, when it came to love, I wanted to be rejected. I wanted a man to make me feel like I wasn't enough because I am hard wired for acts of self sabotage. While I actively work to change these habitual actions and have made a lot of progress, there is still a fair amount of work to be done.
But just because I have awareness does not mean I don't get lonely. It's spring, the sun is out and happy couples seem to be everywhere. It's not easy to be a woman without desiring the sort of relationship we are fed since we can talk. The Disney love story. The prince and the princess. A feminist's worst nightmare.
And while I am all for being an independent woman, I get it. I so get wanting that thing. The ideal partner who wraps you in his arms as you wake; the power of loving human contact. The warm and dopamine filled moments of skin to skin. An abundance of Netflix and chill nights that don't leave you feeling used and even more alone. I've actually never participated in the meme version of this activity, but I can picture it. I've had it proposed to me, but I've always preferred to be alone over being with someone I feel lukewarm about. And since I am no longer a teenager, with superficial attractions and an affinity for fruity cocktails, I need way more than a hot face or body. Tinder and Bumble- you just aren't going to do it for me.
So where does that leave me? I say I want to be in a healthy relationship, but do I really? I am pretty good at making things appear, but my man manifesting powers clearly suck. Or they actually don't suck because in the end, I am getting what I want. In terms of finding a solution, I don't think there is a simple answer. Being a human with a thick cloud of subconscious patterning is a funny experience to tread through. You think you want something, but your mind is actively working to achieve the opposite.
I guess the only answer is to deal with my own non committal issues. To move back into a state of inwards reflection, like every spiritual or self help text suggests. In regards to the loneliness, there are plenty of things I need to get done. Relationships can definitely be a huge distraction, especially when you treat them like a drug, so I should probably use my single time effectively. My other responsibility if I want to move forward in this romantic game of life is to pass tests. You know, the kind where the universe decides to put a handsome and slightly tortured man in your path. Someone who is your physical type to a T, smells like heaven and activates your inner crushing 12 year old. I have to be willing to walk away from him, since his emotional unavailability can be smelt from a mile away. Not easy, but necessary.
While I think it's pretty rude of the universe to create men like that, my feelings don't seem to stop them from showing up in my world. In fact, the closer I get to what I want, the more I am challenged. Am I willing to go through the hardship of walking away, in order to have the life I want? Can I transform my non committal dream into a committed reality? I guess we will have to wait and see.