a seat at the table

Photo by Helena Haro

Photo by Helena Haro

A sense of belonging. An entryway, a welcoming. An energetic embrace when you enter a room, one that makes you feel an instant sense of ease. A deep knowing that there is enough to go around. 

I think we are all looking for an experience of higher consciousness. An existence where you can jive with the idea that there is a place for everyone. Flickers of oneness and a communal sense of living. Ok, not everyone wants this, but anyone who shows up to this space does. I know I do. I am willing to go through the muck, fears, discomfort and strangeness in order to elevate as a human. I say this knowing how much easier it is to talk about unity, than to actually embody it. The collective has been hardwired to compete and disconnect. To see others as separate, as ones who can take away opportunities, love and resources. 

Lies

About a month or two ago, I was just beginning to come out of a hermitage. I had fallen down the rabbit hole of depression and anxiety again. It had really taken hold, leaving me to feel like I may never resurface. But alas, with work and assistance, I came back up for air. Although I had regained a flash of normalcy, there was still much work to be done. My brain had sort of rewired itself into hermit brain. Survival brain. Neural patterning that left me insecure, afraid and overly sensitive. As I attempted to reorganize my thoughts and life, I found that my creative flow was in hiatus. Doubt began swirling in spirals all around me. 

So for a week, I began looking outside of myself for ideas. I wanted to see what this person or that person was doing, feeling like I wasn't enough. Like my ideas weren't enough. Or rather, that my ideas has disappeared. I felt desperate, unsure of how I would move forward with my blog. The feelings that this experience created weren't good ones. Every time I looked outwards, comparing and taking in, I felt weakened. The act of not trusting myself was disempowering. As I walked to the bathroom, it hit me- not only would this sort of creative hijacking drain my energy, but I would also never succeed doing what someone else has done. 

It was time to go back inwards. To regain that ease and connection with source, the muse, creative force or whatever you want to call it. As soon as I did this, everything began to feel right again. The ideas poured in, I felt a new found sense of confidence and excitement around my visions. Feeling like there is room for me at the table is something I constantly work at. While it gets easier with time, I find that the process is often a two steps forward, one step backwards experience. It's refreshing to know that so many others experience this. That as humans, we are hardwired with a need to belong, and yet our society has made that very challenging. Our insecurities are commodified, so the struggle to love and trust oneself is huge. 

I will leave you will some questions...

 

Where in your life are you failing to trust yourself? 
 

How can you drop comparison and move into a place of both individual and group celebration?

 

What makes you feel the most creative? Are you prioritizing this into your daily life?

 

What would life look and feel like if you truly believed that you belonged at the table? What would you do if you knew that there was more than enough to go around?

 

What story would you have to give up in order to gain self confidence?

 

With love,

Kenna

HealKenna Conway