truthful catch up

after being sick for a week, i feel like i am playing major catch up. my energy level is not quite back to its normal state, so i am lagging through the day. i sat down to write yesterday, finding myself in a high level of anxiety and guilt. i feel guilty because of my priviledge. that is the plain and simple truth. 

so like i do, i put pen to paper, or rather hands to keys. i hoped to find internal space, room to breathe in a softer way. after almost a full week of sick house arrest, i felt stir crazy. antsy. rapid thoughts that wouldn’t stop. i have been (mostly) off coffee for a couple months now. the exception is those baby sample cups at trader joes. small amounts of my old fix. it’s not my favorite place to shop, but sometimes i go just for the caffeine hit. to replace my habit, it has been matcha and high quality tea, but even that is making my nervous system spin out. 

this post isn’t meant to be a complain rant. i sat down with the intention of writing something else and this is what is coming out. i guess it has turned into my best attempt at transparency. the process of creating this space for myself and others has been amazing. everyday i welcome people into my life via the blog and stories i create on instagram, but it often feels scary. as i reveal more of myself, there is a freedom. a inner voice that goes here is me and if you don’t like it, that is ok. but there is another voice that wants to be liked. the little girl in me who wants fellow private school girls to play nice when they won’t. 

i suspect that the newer medication i got on, after a three month no med hermit period, is too activating for my system. initially, activation was just what i needed. i was sleeping a lot. i was sad and afraid. but now, i find it harder to have still moments. i feel ok in movement, or in creating, but when i stop, the thoughts just go go go. it is also making my skin red. i feel jumpy, flinching when unsuspecting hands land on my back. it happened last night. the woman apologized. it wasn’t her fault. 

the med stuff feels major. i often feel like a human experiment. girl has a bad brain, so she has to engage with mind numbing side effects, until she finds the right chemical cocktail. is there a right one? i am scared to take these drugs, more fearful than i have ever been. sometimes when i can’t sleep at night, i find myself scanning through online forums. is the flinching just me or the me i have become? or is it a reaction to a drug that doesn’t belong in my body? and the redness on my skin, the way my face almost always looks irritated. what does that mean? is my liver able to process this pill? as a friend and i drive down franklin, i wonder out loud if the meds are making me more neurotic. we laugh about neurosis being the most authentic version of myself. 

so back to the guilt writing session. i wrote for an hour and then was hit with a strong wave of nausea. i laid down for a few minutes before having to run to the bathroom to throw up. this virus i’ve had has not been stomach related, so this seemed unusual. was it due to what i was writing about? i think that it was. 

i’ve been trying to take more original photos for the blog. some with me in them, which feels much harder than taking the photos myself. i like to have control. moving in the way i want to, to get the shot i see in my head. the way light or angles speak to one person is different than how they speak to another. it’s weird to see yourself on camera. the way ones face looks when laying in a certain way. i am not a model. i don’t know how to pose and i am seeing things that i don’t want to see. with 6 more months till 30, i notice changes in my skin. when the light hits a certain way. how do i make it stop?

now i know that these are petty concerns. superficial and unimportant, especially considering everything that is going on in the world right now. but our inner worlds and vanity don’t just vanish in the face of political mayhem. i wish they did. we are all still creating and blogging and making and posting and communing, despite everything that is happening. we have no other choice, which means that i have to share the stuff that is bothering me and yet, feels insignificant. in my experience, worrying about small stuff often is just a mask for fear about the bigger stuff. i think we are all struggling, in our own ways, with the lack of control we have over the world. 

so there is my truth. i am not quite over the med hump yet. i don’t like my psychiatrist and haven’t had the energy to find a new one. she doesn’t listen. doesn't hear me when i say that i am afraid and body aches during med increases almost leave me bedridden. i am struggling to stay engaged in the news because it is so overwhelming. black moon lillith moved into sagittarious on wednesday and she is no joke. we are in the midst of eclipse season, which means our shadows will rise in a big way. we all are doing our best, myself included, and for today, that is enough. 

thanks for being here with me

love, 

kenna 

Kenna Conway