"Never utter a word if it is not from your navel point and it doesn’t confirm your regal, highest self." - Yogi Bhajan
In Kundalini Yoga, we say Sat Nam (instead of Namaste). It's Gurmukhi and translates to truth is my identity. While I rarely use it away from my yoga mat, I do strive to live out its essence moment to moment. As I have stepped into public spaces with my words and thoughts, I am careful about how I am presenting myself. Or rather, very conscious of how I am living up to what I am expressing after something has been posted. I don't want to be someone who merely talks a good talk, which is often much easier than actually doing what you say you do.
Rather than crafting a perfect image or keeping my setbacks hidden, I feel it is best to share them. To allow people into my ups and downs, as I make an attempt at transparency. After sharing My Favorite Distraction, a post about my much needed dating detox, I found myself slipping towards old habits. A certain person from my past had reentered my reality. The kind of attraction that gets me into trouble. One where chemistry and connection overpower rational thinking. The kind of synchronicity that makes something seem special.
He drew me in like the best of them do. Tea and talking as hours roll by. Entering and leaving cities on the same day. Others didn't understand it; they saw him differently. But I liked him, sort of always had. Fast forward to a month ago and I found myself with expectations around the relationship. Thanks to a kiss, we were no longer just friends but we also weren't anything else. I was scared to let the connection progress any further, and yet, I wanted it to at the same time. Hello unclear desires! Not surprisingly, my reality in regards to this person became murky. I felt needy and unable to tell the truth. And of all it felt so familiar- a guy who didn't like me enough or maybe not very much all. And because of this, it made me want them even more.
Soon I found myself with unanswered text messages. He was just straight up ignoring me, which created an awful feeling. So I whined and hoped for an outcome that never happened. Feelings of unworthiness crept over me, desires to be someone else. The kind of girl that he would reach out to. Make an effort for. Respond like she matters.
"You know you could never actually date a person like that, right?" a friend asked me.
The truth is that I thought I could.
The radio silence kept on strong. And then one morning, I woke up feeling a sense of freedom. I realized that this was yet another opportunity to drop the habit of using someone to fill space. A reminder that there is nothing outside of me. And that everyone, even guys who hurt my feelings, are my teachers. I could either use this as an example of what happens when I don't listen to my intuition and grow or continue to feel unfulfilled and neurotic.
And so that is what I am trying to do. Moving forward little by little, as I strive to fill myself from within on a daily basis. I may not be perfect at any of this, but there is progress. And I know that by sharing my own struggles, others can find acceptance around theirs as well. My hope is to continue deepening my self worth and self love, so that when my intuition says drop it, I have enough clarity and strength to walk away with grace.