resistance

If you're anything like me, you know the energy of resistance quite well. It can feel like boredom, procrastination, fear or apathy. Just a bundle of all of the best states. Entering this space is like being stuck in force field, a creative purgatory of sorts. A place where I want to do close to nothing. 

Resistance is something that I experience quite regularly. Disrupting my motivation towards areas of life such as creating, new opportunities, working out and most recently, traveling. Just last week, I canceled a trip. Missed not one, but two flights (luckily Expedia refunds purchases made within 24 hours). And since then, I've been swimming around in emotions that don't feel very good. I want to give up this blogging thing. I want to give up my search for the perfect house. I've stopped working out. And my only visions include a cabin in the woods for one. 

A few weeks ago, I ventured solo to an event at an art space. A multi-medium artist that I love was hosting an experimental evening of improvised collaborations. I didn't really want to go alone, but no one could make it. So instead of succumbing to fear, I decided that going was more important. The space was beautiful, filled with natural light and plant life. People got up and shared poetry, spontaneous group meditations were led, a woman danced barefoot as her friend sang to the guitar. Raw chocolate and fresh ginger tonics were served in abundance, as well as flower cocktails. The night was an example of what can happen when creativity and community mix together. 

While there, I met a woman whose blog I follow. She invited me to an event that she was holding in Topanga Canyon. It would be breath work combined with tons of yummy potions served fresh. I was sold. Until yesterday, when I was still filled with a ton of resistance. I thought about telling her that I was sick. Skipping out on having to introduce myself to a large group of strangers. Having to even out my mood for the sake of positivity. 

Even though the desire in me to cancel was strong,  I knew how it would feel in the long run. A few moments of relief, followed by a deep sense of guilt, regret, self hatred and sadness. So I got in the shower, grabbed my favorite throw and headed towards Topanga. By the end of the day, I was so happy that I went. It was four hours spent in beautiful weather, with an epic sunset against the ocean as our backdrop. The drinks served were crafted with love and tasted amazing. Filled with high quality herbs that helped open our beings for what came next. And funny enough, the girls who sat next to me used to work for the musician Kenna. The guy who took all of the web domains that I wanted for this site. We laughed about it, before exchanging numbers to hang out. 

The breath work was exactly what I needed. If you haven't had the chance to experience it, breath has this magical way of knowing exactly where to go. From low grade depression to anxiety to resistance, it can clear out so much in just an hour. Today I woke up earlier than usual, feeling less avoidant towards life but not fully all in either. I know that my next step in getting over this apathetic state is to move my body. To shake up all of the stagnant energy that makes me want to quit everything. Movement is my antidote. 

It's interesting how the more we try to change, the more we will encounter things that get in the way of doing so. But if we can drop our resistance towards resistance, we can see it as a good sign. A signal that our bodies, brains and souls are recalibrating. Getting ready to step into a new chapter, an altered way of being. If we can gather up enough energy to push through and show up, something great awaits us on the other side. 

Photo: Unknown

HealKenna Conway