a plan other than my own

be careful what you wish for

that could have been the title of this post. because while i didn't plan for what happened to happen, i sort of asked for it. i believe that we create our reality and then i forget. or feel like none of my manifestations are working. until they do. and i remember. 

a friend asked me to come visit her at the yoga studio while she was working. i laid blankets out and grabbed a pillow, creating comfortable space on the floor. comfort is important to me these days. warmth, too. my girlfriend and i picked cards and caught up. we laughed and shivered, taking more blankets out from the basket. we remembered to lower our voices, as a class was happening on the other side of the door. 

i wanted clarity about a relationship and i wanted to know if this person was capable of doing a specific act. the cards warned me of trouble. but they weren't telling me anything i didn't know. less than 24 hours later, i had what i asked for. the person told me exactly what i needed to hear and did exactly what i needed them to do. i never said a word. didn't prod them for information or guide them in any sort of way. i got what i wanted.

but i wasn't happy. i was hurt. 

be careful what you wish for 

the next day i was set to leave for a friend's retreat in Ojai. she had invited me last minute, intuiting that i needed a little extra TLC. reluctant at first, i eventually said yes. deciding that time away from LA and my phone would be a great thing. i planned to let those who i talk to regularly know that i was taking 4 or 5 days away from technology. and then the following day, my phone went MIA. practically vanishing into the air, disappearing somewhere between leaving the DMV and Rite Aid. i was already feeling sensitive. rushing around to get the last few things finished before heading on my trip. let's just say i struggled to keep my composure. 

i retraced my steps. i checked the car several times. i called everywhere i had been. but the phone was gone. as were all of my photos. and a way of capturing moments on the retreat. my camera battery wasn't working. which meant i would have to go phone less and camera less. which is fine, i guess. but it wasn't ideal. a plan other than my own. 

be careful what you wish for 

once again, my words had gotten me into trouble. forgetting that when we ask for something, we must be prepared to receive it. i got what i wanted- time away from technology. an imposed detox from all things that weren't serving me. this included my constant communication with a specific person. my attempts to capture images, a process that can take me out of the moment. i can be with an experience or i can be w the image i see through the lens. i haven't quite figured out how to do both yet. 

and this plan that wasn't my own worked out beautifully in the end. the retreat was lovely and magical and challenging. i was stretched beyond where i was comfortable. i pushed myself into places that felt hard. and allowed myself to be completely vulnerable. 

i didn't take any photos. i didn't text. i still emailed the two people i email every night before bed. i soaked up the land around me. the faces and the food. the way the light spilled out in the yoga room. and made shapes on the wall at certain hours of the day. i trusted that it was all ok, even when it didn't feel like it. i told the truth and focused the spirit of creativity onto myself. self as story. self as creation. 

it wasn't my plan, or so i thought. but in the end, i guess i learned that it was.  

photo by Helena Haro

Kenna Conway